You've opened my eyes. You've expanded my horizons. You make courage visible. You make love visible.
You’ve opened my eyes
Have you ever loved someone so much that their happiness is all that matters? Loved someone so much that even you know the both of you may never ever get together yet you still deeply care for the person? I know I have.
One thing that haunts me every single day of my life is, why aren’t I with that special person? If I love them so much, why aren’t we together? If there were no social barriers, what is stopping me?
“It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.”
I know that I can not speak for everyone in the world, but in my case, Courage is my barrier. I keep myself back because I am scared. I am scared to let anyone close to me. It is in my nature and how I was raised. I was raised to care for people and not myself. I was raised to listen and help other but not let other help me. I do not let myself get too close to anyone because I do not like the feeling of being vulnerable. It is my weak spot. I hate the feeling of being weak and helpless.
This is going to sound horrible, but I have sadly ended all my past relationships because we were getting too close. I have to admit to using the cliché line of “Its not you, its me.” My first boyfriend was a wonderful fellow who genuinely liked me…. wait for it… BUT…. I could not handle telling him about myself. The same happened to my second, third, so on and so on…. It’s such a vicious cycle to be a part of.
On top of that, I am one of those people who can not make sup their mind and always wants what they can not have.
“The things that I can’t have I want, And what I have seems second-rate, The things I want to do I can’t, And what I have to do I hate.”
- Don Marquis
Why is this? I blew off all the nice guys who had actually liked me for other guys who (I am certain) do not like me… WHY?!?!?!
Like all things in the world, this quote could go either ways. Is it possible that guys also like what they can not have? Quite recently, a nice boy has entered my life (if you’re an avid follower of my blog WWTD? then he is guy B). For his sake lets call him Picoult. Picoult is such a nice sweet person who constantly invited me to his plays but the thing is… a large percentage of my friends have a crush on him. He is always showing off by telling me about all the girls who like him and just goes on and on about his love life. Do I care? I honestly can not tell you. I have some feelings torward him, but at the same time it is wrong to like him. Picoult does not know that I have any feelings at all toward him but rumor has it that he likes me. If this rumor is true, is it anyway possible that he only likes me beacause I am the girl that “got away”. Am I being way too analytical or does this actually happen in reality? Do men go after the one that does not like them after they have been use to getting everything they want? Picoult is one of the “nice guys” that I just can not seem to let in. Man, do I wish I could let him in.
Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity. How does one build that? How does one deal with the fear of being shot down?
Regret, sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance or guilt. How does one get over a person? I do regret not speaking my mind, but was it for the better?
The world may never know…….
